Bryce Harper is Coming to RUIN the NL Central

lights night crowd stadium
Photo by Shawn Reza on

Disclaimer:  I have no legitimate source that ties the Mormon GOAT to the Cubs, but I have two eyes, a brain, and an extremely pessimistic view of all of my favorite professional teams… so take everything written here with a grain of salt.

The hair, the eyeblack, the towering 450-foot MOONSHOTS;

All of the above are synonymous with Bryce Harper.

The Washington Nationals have wasted more than enough of their young superstar’s career (see: Mike Trout, Los Angeles Angels), and it is time for him to spread his wings and take over the league once and for all.  And I, for one, am excited and oh-so-very afraid.

I have been a Cincinnati Reds fan for as long as I can remember.  I’ve suffered through Austin Kearns and Felipe Lopez all the way to the debacle that is the current starting rotation.  And after seeing Bryce Harper on College Gameday and support a school he has ZERO personal ties to, aside from Ohio State being his wife’s alma mater, I will say this:

Don’t get me wrong, watching the man absolutely mash home runs off of everyone from CY Young winners to glorified Triple A bullpen guys is incredibly entertaining, but Bryce Harper is coming to the ruin the NL central. He’s coming to ruin my 20’s just as the Reds abysmal front office and incompetent management strategies have ruined my childhood and teenage years thus far.  Let’s look at the facts:

He’s very good friends with Kris Bryant, he’s got a dog named Wrigley, and the Chicago Cubs are a large market franchise two years removed from a World Series.  Throw in the cherry-on-top that Bryce will get to face the Cincinnati Reds’ starting rotation/bullpen 19 games a year for the foreseeable future, and it’s a match made in Joseph Smith’s Heaven (shoutout to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).

To keep it brief, Bryce is coming.  The Cardinals are in disarray after missing the postseason AGAIN (see, silver linings people!), the Pirates are trending even further down than the Reds, and the Brewers are a middle-market team that will never be able to sustain consistent long-term success.  Baez, Bryant, Rizzo, and inevitably BRYCE…

The Cubs are about to ruin my summertime baseball experience, as well as everyone else’s, for years to come, and let me tell ya I am not looking forward to it.

Categories: MLB

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