Dumb Sports Rules That I Want

glasses-book-6e517cef99256783bb249206d94472df.pngLet’s Play Soccer

With all the great stuff going on in the sports world right now like NBA Free Agency, the Women’s World Cup, and All-Star selections in the MLB, I figured that I would ignore all of those and come up with some new rules for sports.

Basketball: Overhaul the Jump Ball

When I am watching a basketball game, I only want to see one jump ball and I only want that jump ball to be the one that starts the game.  I am not interested in seeing more than one.  So instead of jump balls, 3 fans from each team would get to come down to the court and play a game of knockout.  Whichever team has the last fan left gets the ball.  This would be a fun way to inject fans directly into the game and allow them to feel more connected to their favorite team.  One might ask, “How do they pick the fan?” and I have two possible scenarios for that.  One, it would be a completely random drawing which would allow the possibility of huge mismatches between good shooters and bad shooters.  Two, allow the teams to pick their fans/contestants directly.  This would mean that teams could have ringers that they pay to compete in these games of knockout.  Picture the NBA 20 years from now, Bronny James is a perennial All-Star and most of the current stars are out of the league.  However, the Warriors have signed Steph Curry to be their “fan” for knockout.  The possibilities are endless.

Football: Institute a Weight Limit

Think back to the days of peewee football when everyone had to weigh in before the games and there was always a lineman or two who would be over the weight limit and would not be able to play.  This rule will be the exact opposite, it will be a minimum weight requirement of 275 pounds for every player.  This rule will be great because it will slow down the game and make for fewer big plays.  There is nothing more exciting than a slow, drawn-out drive that spans 60 yards in 8 minutes and ends in a field goal kicked by a 300-pound man.  You may ask, “What will happen to guys who are smaller than that?”  To which I might respond, “Eat up.”  There could be one exception to this rule and it would be if a player is under 100 pounds and this would be for no reason other than the 100-pound player looking funny in oversized shoulder pads.

Baseball: Encourage Umpires to Gamble on Games

The kicker to this one is that only two umpires can bet on each team so it will create competition between the umps.  Why? Well, why not?  Imagine a tight game in the ninth. These umps have been going back and forth all game with terrible calls and the game comes down to bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th in a tied ball game.  The home plate umpire calls a balk and a field umpire begs to differ.  They get into it, they start fighting, the (umpire) benches clear, hats are being thrown, umps are getting ejected, the game is called with no definitive ending after the umpires have all thrown each other out, chaos has descended, we have reached the peak of baseball.  The oldest professional sports league in America collapses due to the order-keepers of the sport falling into massive debt as a result of one another.  Lives are crushed, but the fans have never seen anything this exciting in their entire lives.


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